Yo Tomz!

February and apart frum duh kold weafer I hear all youse USA Tomz are eggperiencing, wat else springs redily to mind???? St. Valentine's Day! Yez dat saint of all luffers effurywhere haz hiz own speshal day in diz month! Wat diz meanz to moi purrsonally, is a chance to show doze gurlz dat we Tomz do haf a softer side! No disgrace, chapz, in showing dat we haf wat duh gurlz wuld call 'finer feelings'!

Diz duz meen of course dat duh Catinum Card takez a furry hefty wallop, coz doze gurlz do tend to equate 'finer feelingz' wif finer gifts, i.e.Pierre Cardin watches, and Tiffany Diamonds, who efer said it waz duh thought dat countz, didn't nose much about gurlz!!!! But to be fair to duh fairer sex, no pun intended, I must say dat dey will also go wild wif dere Catinium Cards, gifen of course to dem by us boyz in a moments madness and buy us some furry wonderpurr gifts! Yep, I noses youse already haf a draw full of soxs and enuff after shave to sink a battleship but youse already noses dey juss refuse to buy us bottles of nipz and offer useful tings, like a year's subscripshun to Playtomz Magazine!!!!!! So purr sweetly and cram dat new pair of soxs, Christian Dior of course, into youse draw and go wild wif duh Catpagne Nipz and flowerz!

Fur all tomz who are scratching dere buts wondering wat to buy duh little ladycat of dere dreamz I haf purrpared a list which I hope helpz youse all!

1. Diamonds, any size any shape so long as dey are REEL AND BIG - like reel big diamonds are a gurlz best furriend!
2. A filmy nitey and pegnoir, black is duh best but youse yew imaginashun here, steady boyz it is fur duh ladyluff of yew life!
3. A Gift Voucher to duh best Beauty Palour in town but remefur to put in a notez dat she is ALREADY beautiful and yew tink she wuld like to be pampurred (furget dat and yew culd be in SERIOUS trouble).
4. Book a romantic dinner at yew , make dat HER favorite restuarant - no NOT MacDONALDS or anyfing like dat - I meanz soft candle lite, violins duh hole bit! Tip here: Dontz scratch yew butt, fart, belch or anyfing, she will NOT be amused, efen if dat starchy waiter doze snigger at yew!
5. Take her to see duh show she most wantz to see, o.k. take some "no doze" befur hand so yew can stay awake, nofing killz romance faster dun yew snoring in yew seat!
6. A weekend away at a romantic spot - like duh Rockies or somewhere, sorry chapz youse in on yew own on where, I dontz noses dah purrlaces in duh States but can tell yew, Paris is alwayz a favorite purrlace wif duh ladies!
7. Buy her a romantic CD of HER favorite singer, nope sorry guyz, bawdy football songz just wont do!
8. Do all duh housework fur her fur a HOLE WEEKEND, diz will not cost youse a cent but shore will impurress her!
9. Get her a board game, one yew can purrlay together and sit down wif a bottle of nipz and purrlay duh game wif her (suggest youse dontz buy strip poker, duh gurlz juss dontz understand dis game at all).
10. Wanna max out duh Credit card - haf I Luff Yew written by a Sky Writer offer her house on February 14, diz will shore impurress her!

Word of warning!!!!! Wif all dat romantic stuff going on, if youse is NOT winked or wedwinked, keep yew head!!!!!!! Dontz hit duh nipz too hard, coz many a good catulor haz ended up getting snared in duh Wedwink trapz by too much nipz, candle lite and soft music and soft headbonkz!

Closing thoughtz on St. Valentine. I haf often pondered wat he must haf been tinking off or wat he did to deserve such a day and wonder if, by some twist of fate, HE waz reely a SHE and 'she' decided dat fur one day of duh year, we tomz wuld haf to behave ourselves and be duh 'romantic' Prince Charming all gurlz dream off! HAPPY ST. VALENTINE'S DAY to youse all!

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Cheers,
Buddee,
Kolomnist Extraordinaire!

Dis beez my furryown tomzrule® banner design that inspurrz moi!

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Previous Kolumns:

January 2003:   Coping With December Holidays

November 2002:   Living With D*gs
Sept 2002:   Deere Buddee, I haf trubble keeping duh hooman slaves in line. Kan mew gif me sum tipz?
June 2002:   Deere Buddee, mize sisfur comeds and hitteds mees tills I'se getteds out of da chair and den shees getteds on da chair and sez dat it bees hers. Watt cans I'se duz bouts dis?
May 2002:   Deere Buddee, my sisfur iz dancin arown and mewing "Nosey Parker's gettin sooed guddie, guddie, guddie" I wunderz wheffur it wood be rude to bite her or if swatting her iz enuff.
and
Deere Buddee, I iz shocked an outrajed dat NP iz bean sood fur haffin a playce fur us tomz tew go when our sisfurs say "Git outta my site!" I iz catfused, too. What iz a tort law? How iz it diffrunt from a torte cake or a tortie cat?
April 2002:   Deere Buddee, Itz bad enuff haffing to ride in duh kar to go to duh v*t, but my meowmie sez dat she iz gonna drive akross duh kuntry wif me in duh kar. How kin I diskourage dis crewelty?
March 2002:   Deere Buddee, Evfurrytime I claimz my rite to sleep on duh sunny window sill, my bratty sisfur goez whining to Meowmie and I gitz in trubble. What kin I du?

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Albeit pawing his kolumn Down Under, Kolumnist Buddee Gill's fine werk haz knot eggskaped duh attention of Queen Bitsy herseff who haz awarded him dis most purrstigious award fur journalistik eggsulunch. The Caterwaul Chronicle concatulatez duh Budster on ernin diz award.

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Backgrounds from Dark Star Graphics.