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Yo Fellow Tomz!
To say dat timez are tuff fur our Leader and Purrprietor of Tomz Rule and duh famous Caterwaul Mewspaper is understating effuryting juss a tad but as yew will all nose by now he is being SOOED by dose gurlz. A fundz raising Picnic is being organized to help raise toonas fur his defence so all red-blooded Tomz lets rally round Nosey Parker and gife generously as he needz our help! Also, to help Tomz in need duh Wicked Twins are in the process of organizing a speshal fund, I am shore they will be writing more on dis in duh Caterwaul.
Tomz we must FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT against the outrages of duh gurlz and my Kolumn dis month is devoted to helping yew all, as dey say "forwarned is forarmed" and we needz to be "armed" in duh legal sense and fully purrpared juss in case we too end up being sued fur being what we are -- RED BLOODED TOMZ!
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Dere are two queshuns which haf arrived in my Mail Box and bof concern duh serious purrblem we are all facing - Gurlz Sooing!
Deere Buddee, my sisfur iz dancin arown and mewing
"Nosey Parker's gettin sooed guddie, guddie, guddie" I
wunderz wheffur it wood be rude to bite her or if
swatting her iz enuff.
Badgered in Biloxi
Deere Badgered in Biloxi, Dis is furry hard fur mew to bear I purrfectly realise dat but in dese dangerous timez it is best to be DIPLOMATIC - don't gife yew sisfur any cause to soo YEW! Dis is juss what she is looking fur and duh gurlz haf some purrty gud legal Cattorneys who are only too willing to take on any case against a red-blooded Tomz!
It is now dat yew show duh REEL strength of a red-blooded Tomz! It would be furry unwise to ackually bite her esphally in site of anyoffer catz or yew hoomans, dis is what she is trying to provoke yew into doing so she can SOO YEW! Duh furry best kind of "ackshun" is to "hold yew head up high" and juss IGNORE all duh taunts, fur Nosey Parker will be counter-sooing and he has a furry gud Cattorney fighting fur his and all our rights, so yew will haf duh "last laugh" ofer yew sisfur!
Now, if dis prooves too hard and dere is no disgrace in dis at all, den yew MUST be furry careful how yew get yew "own back" on yew sisfur.
ALWAYS enshore dat yew are totally alone when yew swat her or efen bite her!
Rememfur in a Court of Law dey need EVIDENCE and it is furry hard fur any cat to prove dat dey were injured by dere brofur when it is "one word against anuffer" a worth-while Judge will dismiss duh case out of paw! However, we are dealing wif Judges who are furry heavily on duh side of doze gurlz, so I STRONGLY advise yew to tread furry carefully and hold yew head up high as we TOMZ will succeed in winning our full rights!
Remefer, yew can always vent yew feelings on duh Bully Board at Tomz Rule, yew will haf many furriends dere to help yew! Dis is duh safest way!
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Deere Buddee, I iz shocked an outrajed dat NP iz bean
sood fur haffin a playce fur us tomz tew go when our
sisfurs say "Git outta my site!" I iz catfused, too.
What iz a tort law? How iz it diffrunt from a torte cake
or a tortie cat?
Vexed in Vancouver
Deere Vexed in Vancouver, First, let me say dat we are all shocked and outrajed dat NP is bean sooed fur haffin a purlace fur all of us Tomz to juss be ourselffs, however I am shore dat wif the Cattorney he has fighting fur him, he will WIN paws down!
Amerika is a Democractic Country and has duh Fifth Amendment and a Bill of Catichewshunal Rights, dis is indeed an outrage of duh furry premise upon which Amerika was founded!
In answer to yew queshion, I haf checked into duh matter of Tort Law and can asshore yew it has noffing to do wif either Torte Cake (which is quite delishus) or tortie cats! What it stands fur is as follows:-
"Tort law involves acts ovfur dan breech ov kontrak. Duh party kan soo fur monetariee damajes or fur an injunkshun."
It is duh considered opinion of doze in duh "know" dat duh gurlz will try tew git bof. Doh in my humble opinion I failed to see where dere is any "breach ov Kontrak" whatsoefer, howefer dat is best left to duh Professional Cattorney at Law to argue!
Tomz, dis is a hard time fur us all and we must do everyting in our power to help doze in needz, espeshally Nosey Parker! Remefur we muss FIGHT hard fur our rightz! Always enshoring dat we "keep duh law on our side". Shuld life get too hard fur yew wif sisfurs and winks juss remefur I am always here to deal wif yew purrblems, juss drop me a line in STRICTEST CONFIDENCE and I will do all in my power to help yew!
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Juss a reminder, dis kolumn is not juss about "tips and tricks" but is also here fur any of yuse who haf purrblems, doesn't matter what duh purrblem is, yuse may haf wedwinking purrblems or pesky sisfurs, pups or efen hoomans who are hard to train, juss write to me, using a non de plume if yuse wish and yuse reply will be in next month's copy of the Caterwaul. Remeber ALL CORRESHPONDENCE IS STRICKLY CONFIDENSHAL!!!!!!
TOMZ HAZ RIGHTZ TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yore Speshal Correspondent Buddee
Questions answered previously:
April 2002: Deere Buddee, Itz bad enuff haffing to ride in duh kar to go to duh v*t, but my meowmie sez dat she iz gonna drive akross duh kuntry wif me in duh kar. How kin I diskourage dis crewelty?
March 2002: Deere Buddee, Evfurrytime I claimz my rite to sleep on duh sunny window sill, my bratty sisfur goez whining to Meowmie and I gitz in trubble. What kin I du?
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