Yo Tomz!
Dis month's artikle is aimed at duh Tomz who haf to share dere lifes with dogs! Yew all nose how stressful dese critters can be so I shore hope yew find dese tipz and trickz, all garnered frum my vast experience, helpful.
Furst, ALWAYS REMEMFUR DOGS DROOL -- CATS RULE dis is an indisputable law!!!!!
O.K. now repeat duh above juss like a Mantra, it is yuse Mantra and must nefer be furgotten. Sit quietly in duh meat loaf poshishun and quietly chant at least seven times purr day "Dogs Drool -- Cats Rule". Dis ekercise will put yew in duh right frame of mind and is best done early in duh morning, possibly befur doze lazy dogs haf woken up!
On a praktical side, dere are a number of trickz and tipz to help yew keep doze dogs in line, all are easily managed by catz or kittenz alike and I haf added a few fur duh "Furst Timers" who may suddenly find demselves confurronted wif a dog in dere Kingdom.
One of the primary tings to remefur is dat catz are smarter and more independant dan dogs, dis is an impurrtant fact to keep in mind coz hafing a dog or dogs in duh house can be furry helpful if yew tink carefully about it.
Fur one ting, dey will get duh blame fur digging holes in duh garden, which yew haf dug going about yew natural bodily functions and so if duh hooman spots a dead plant, espeshally wif a hole in its purrlace, she will immediately blame duh dogs, who will juss stand dere and look stoopid (not hard fur duh average mutt), while yew can sit in yew favorite spot and watch duh funz!
Dis also applies to fud being "stolen", well we all likez to help ourselves at timez but wif dogs in duh house dey not yew will get duh blame.
Duh trick wif bof of de abofe is to make shore dat duh hooman does not actually see yew doing anyfing. Of course duh dogs, being silly curious critters will race offer to investigate and it will be dem who get duh blame! PURRFECT!!!!! Who says crime doesn't pay!
As in any relationship dere is a down-side, it is not all shampain and caviar!!!!! Doze dogs can make yew life pure murder if yew dontz train dem purrobably and in this instance yew will find dat quite often duh hooman is on yews side and will help yewz train duh dogs!
We will start wif yew entering a house which already haz a dog or dogs! IMMEDIATELY UPON ARRIVAL make yew purrsence felt! Dontz be timid and scared, stand up fur yew self, after all yews are all red-blooded tomz!!!!! Whatefer yew do DO NOT run and hide under a chair or anyfing else! The trick here is to stand TALL, efen if duh dog is much bigger dan yew, show dat dog yews is not afraid and if necessary gife a warning hiss!!!!!!!!!! Be Brave!!!!! Go forth and meet the alien head on, it is impurrative yew letz diz critter nose yew is a force to be reckoned wif! Shuld duh animal show, Bastet furgive, aggresshun den YEWS YEW PAWZ, yew don't necessarily haf to use yew CLAWZ dis reely is a furry last resort and shuld only be uzed if duh situashun is nil desparondo duh reason being dat duh hoomans dontz like dere dogs hafing big scratches down dere muzzles and culd well blame YOU. So a good thump wif yew pawz is generally enuff to warn efen duh dumbest dog dat yew meanz business and dat yew are not going to be intimidated! I spek here frum experience as I haf trained some furry big dogs in my time!
Hafing established at furst meeting dat yew are not a scaredy-cat, now is duh time to seek out duh place or places which yew tink yew will prefur, refer to my previous artikle on dis matter, fur yew will see dat duh tecknicks are virtually duh same fur dogs as fur siblings.
Establish yew posishun and DO NOT BUDGE, efen if duh dog tries to sit on yew, yes dis can and has happened. It may seem as if duh sky has fallen in on yew but at all costz remain seated (I can purrmose yew yew will not be hurt, just squashed) and one ting yew can be shore off, duh hooman will tell duh dog off not yew!
Shuld duh dog tink he can sneak up and take yew favorite spot when yew are going about yew lawful business, den yew haf to take actshun IMMEDIATELY! It is impurrative dat at all timez yew letz dat dog nose who is duh boss!
Wayz of taking acshun are as follows:-
DUH KITTY PUNCTURE TRICK!
1. Jump straight up on top of duh dog and start gifing him some "kitty-puncture", dis is discribe in full in ma previous artikle but in dis instance yew can be efen more forceful coz doze dogs usually haf purrty thick fur and hidez!
DUH PURRLAY TRICK!
2. Purrlay wif duh dogz tail, ears or any offer part of itz antomy yew can reach, keep batting and swatting and drive duh dog mad!!!!!!! This is espshally effective if duh dog is an older dog and juss wantz ta sleep. Using dis tecknick doh yew must be shore not to let duh hooman see yew, coz den dey will take duh dogs side and tell yew not to annoy Fido! Diz method of course also helpz yew to horn doze all impurrtant hunting skills!
DUH HERE'S FOOD TRICK!
3. Run out to duh refrigator. Mew quite loudly, as if yew are starving! Dis results in one or two tings happening, quite often bof!
One, duh silly dog tinks dere is fud around and will follow yew out to duh kitchen, which is when yew double back furry quickly and claim yew spot; or duh hooman will come running and tink dere is somefing wrong or yew is hungry or needz milk and as soon as duh hooman opens duh refrigerator door dis is guaranteed to bring duh dog running! Now yew can make a choice here, if yew getz given some lufferly treat den yew can stay to eat it, den run back to yew spot, duh chances being dat duh dog will hang about hoping to get somefing too or if yew dontz reely feel hungry or thirsty, just double back anyway and leaf duh offering if itz a bikky treat it will keep!
DUH HAIR BALL TRICK!
4. Diz is reely gross!!!!!!! Workz spehally well if yew are long haired or prone to hairballs. Bear in mind dat dogs luff sniffing anyting gross and disgusting, dis is why dis trick workz so well! We will assume duh dog is laying on yew favorite chair, now all yuse haf to do is hawk up duh biggest and most disgusting furball efer! Do dis juss a short distance away frum duh chair, make a HUGE noise about it all and yew will findz dat duh dog juss cannot resist getting down and investigating! One ting yew must enshore to make dis work is duh length of the dog's legs, dis sounds a bit weird but remefur dogs can stretch dere legs quite a long way and yew do not want duh critter to leave itz backside on duh chair and just stretch itz front legs, nose and body out to duh disgusting mess yew haf juss made. So befur attempting dis trick do make shore yew haf measured itz distance to enshore dat duh dog has to ackually get down frum duh chair to sniff.
DUH HERE DOGGIE COME PURRLAY TRICK!
5. Dis is espshally good if duh dog is still a puppy or furry purrful. It is so simple too dat efen young kittens can uze dis trick. Juss start purrlaying wif somefing, anyfing will do use yews imaginashun in diz instance. Duh dog will be only too willing to join in and den of course yew grab yew chance and claim yewz spot. Kittens, yuse may haf to decide wheffer yew want to continue to purrlay, dat can be quite a lot of funz too or wheffer yews wants to napz, only yew can decide diz.
All duh abofe trickz I haf purrsonally uzed on dogs and found dem to be furry effective!
Should yew already be happily established in youse kingdom and duh hooman acktually brings home a dog dem again yew will HAVE to letz diz alien critter nose yew is duh BOSS! Hopefully youse hoomans haf bought either a puppy, furry easy to train I haf trained two of dem at duh same time, or if it is a bigger dog they haf done dere homework and ascertained dat duh dog is "cat furriendly"!
Efen so, yew will still haf to train it, fur yew will haf no way of nosing, until possibly too late, how well yew predecessor has trained duh dog.
As soon as duh Alien arrives, draw yourself up to youse full height and HISS straight in duh newchums faze!!!!!!!! Diz will let it now right frum duh start dat youse is a red-blooded tomz and youse is not going to be messed wif! Do NOT try any "howdy pal" at dis stage, yew can do dat later when yew haf assessed duh dogs trainability and juss how well it has been trained, it is nefer too late to win duh dog offer but on furst meeting make shore it nose yew is boss!
Now all being well duh dog will immediately realize dat yew is a cat wif a mind of yew own and not about to be unseated frum yew "top spot", dis will of course enshore dat all further training will be furry easy, duh dog will be putty in yew paws!
Of course duh dog will want to investigate itz new home! Dis is yew time to show it where it can and cannot sleep! Accompany duh dog around duh house and if it shows any sign, no matter how small, of liking yew fav spots IMMEDIATELY WITHOUT HESITASHUN let it nose dat dis is youse spot! Yew can do diz by bonking it on duh nose or jumping on duh chair etc. and hissing loudly, duh dog will quickly get duh message. If yew do strike a furry dumb or stubborn dog yew will need to keep reinforcing yew posishun until it finally sinkz in dat it is yew slave - yes yew can enslave duh dog! Remefur dogs are furry slavish and will always follow a good master anywhere and actually delight in obeying commands, so make shore yew are in command!
All of duh above tricks apply efen if duh dog is a new chum.
In duh case of a young pup dere is one speshal trick to use in teaching duh pup manners and I call diz duh "Duh Buddee Bonk" and I will now letz yew all nose how to do it!
Just one ting to remefur wif diz trick, it does work beffer on a pup which is smaller dan yew, as yew will see as yew read on, it can be a little tricky as duh pup grows bigger. But by dat timez yew shuld haf duh pup well trained!
Methodology fur DUH BUDDEE BONK! ( patented by Prince Buddha Gill and gifen freely here fur all red-blooded Tomz to use without any legal purrsecution).
If duh pup is being spshally annoying and trust me dey can be furry annoying, juss get one paw around duh pups neck, take a firm grip and wif duh offer paw (sheaf duh clawz purrlease yew dontz want to acktually be charged by duh hooman wif "intent to do grevious bodily harm") reely whop duh pup on duh head wif duh offer paw! Give duh pesky pup a reel good hiding!!!!!!!!! It is a furry effective trick fur duh pup wonders what has hit it and because yew hafen't hurt it at all, duh hooman will tink yew are juss so cute and leaf yew to train duh pup. Remefur all dogs like to OBEY and will follow a strong leader and dat leader of course is YEW!
I shore hope dat de above has been helpful and if yew needz any advice on training dogs purrlease feel free to write to me and I will answer yew questshun in duh next edishun of duh Caterwaul. Also, don't furget chapz dat if yew haf any queries or purroblems at all juss write to me in duh STRICTEST CONFIDENCE, yew sekrits are safe wif me, wheffer dey be purroblems of duh heart, or wif siblings or duh hoomans I will answer effury one and effury questshun!
Cheerio fur now
Buddee Kolumist Extraordiniere!
Yo Tomz!
