Training duh hoomans to behave in duh correct manner, in other wordz, making shore dey stay OUR slaves and do not tink dey haf duh right to a life of dere own! Dat's furry impurrtant. My hooman, since we mofed, has got a little unruly, doing stuff like painting duh house, bookshelves, gardening and all manner of tings which haf interfered wif MY wellbeing! Dis cannot be tolerated one second longer, for whilst I will allow her to work on her business, after all dat brings in money which means more treats fur me, other areas of "work" must cease immediately and MY needz attended to instantly! I am shore dat all of yew haf experienced dis dreadful phenomen frum time to time and I must say dat is usually brought about by us being less vigilant than normal, so tomz remefur there is not a chance in duh world of "slacking off" on duh training of hooman slaves, it is a continuing purrocess which must be monitered all duh time!
Here are sum tipz which I have found furry exfective in ensuring dat our wellbeing is the prime source of concern fur duh hoomans.
1. Duh Gentle Purrsuader!
To be yused if duh hooman is only mildly out of line, a gud purrentative measure to ensure dat dey noses yew are not happy wif dere current behaviour.
Modus Operandi: Purr loudly in dere ears and rub dere legs duh minute dey look like becoming involved in anyfing which yew consider contrary to yew best interests, make shore dey don't juss tink yew are being a "sweet kitty", be a little more purrsistant dan dat and keep it up efen when dey say "dat's enuff I want to........" Dis can be, fur example, deciding to read a book instead of working on yew business or doing craft work or any one of duh million tings dat hoomans consider necessary fur dere santity. DO NOT HAF ANY COMPUNCTION ABOUT DISTURBING DERE SANITY, REST ETC. ALWAYS REMEMFUR DEY ARE DERE FUR YEW BENEFIT AND ARE YERE SLAVES!
2. Duh Pre-emeptive Bonk!
Use dis if yew haf not had sucess wif No.1 method.
Modus Operandi: Gif a gud SOLID headbonk on a purt of dere anatomy were it will be felt most! Make shore yew REELY BONK DEM (remefur hoomans are purrty dumb and do need a hefty bonk to ensure dey take notice). Dis method is furry effective if duh hooman decides to haf a cup of coffee, in dis instance firmly bonk duh coffee cup, making shore yew do not get burnt yewself but don't worry one little bit if duh hooman gets a gud soaking in hot coffee. Actually if yew can manage it a gud soaking is furry effective in making dem wake up and aldoh dey may scream and jump around, dey will be too busy cleaning up duh mess to worry much about doing anyfing neferious to yew personage. Once dey haf cleaned up duh mess and it is best to wait until dey do remind dem of yew business, dey will loose interest in hafing coffee and be ready to work on yew impurrtant business rather than risk being drenced in coffee again. Dis method is also extremely gud if dey are talking on duh phone (cell or fixed land line makes no difference), espeshally if dey are just jabbering to a furriend. In dis instance gif duh phone a few solid bonks and if yew can manage it also purr FURRY LOUDLY down duh mouthpiece or in dere ear, dere is noffing like hafing duh handpiece of a phone jammed into dere teeth a few timez to remind dem dat dere is more to life dan yapping on duh phone. Keep dis up and yew will soon find dey will terminate dere conversashun and get on wif yew stuff! Duh coup de grace is if dey are stoopid enuff to drink coffee and talk on duh phone at duh same time, den yew can create a reel divershun by head bonking duh coffee and duh phone! Dis is GUARANTEED to terminate efen duh, to dem, most interesting of convershuns! DO NOT BE TIMID USING DIS METHOD, DEY WILL NOT REALLY 'SLIT YEW THROAT' OR ANY OF DUH OFFER OUTRAGEOUS KOMMENTS WHICH DEY THREATEN TO PURRPURTRATE ON YEW PERSONAGE! Dey luff yew so yew are purrfectly safe! Juss rememfer beware of duh hot coffee and dontz get yewself burnt.
3. Duh Disturbing Dialogue!
Dis one does knotz take too much effort on yew part and is furry gud to use if yew are feeling a bit lazy and don't wantz to get up frum yew favorite chair or napping spot!
Modus Operandi: Start yowling, fairly quietly at furst after all yews donz want to use any more effurt dan is necessary. If duh hooman is hard of hearing or juss plain stoopid and ignores yew furst efforts continue to increase duh volumn of yew yowls until yew reach doze top "high c's". In the case of reelly stoopid humans. gif dem yew best full throated ROAR! Rememfur yew are a tomz and we can reely ROAR when we wantz too. So don't be backward, juss open up full throttle and continue until duh hooman responds in duh appurrpreate manner! If yew spot den using anyfing to block dere earz, den yew will haf to mofe on to more strenuous methods of purrsuashun but if yew haf been purraticing yew top notes through duh nite den yew will not haf any purrblems distracting dem frum what efer offer activities dey may haf thought more impurrtant dan yews! MAKE AS MUCH NOISE AS YEW CAN, DON'T BE SHY ABOUT YOWLING AND REMEFUR IF YEW HAF CLOSE NEIGHBOURS DIS IS TOO YEW ADVANTAGE AS DUH HOOMANS WILL NOT LIKE DUH NEIGHBOURS TO TINK DEY ARE HARMING YEW! Dey will respond furry quickly, coz neighbours juss may call duh authorities and say dat yew life is endangered!
4. Duh "Accupuncturist" Thrust!
Dis is a fairly extreme method and it is advisable to make shore yew claws are furry sharp and in gud condishun before attempting it!
Modus Operandi:
Jump luffingly up on yew hoomans lap, or if dis is not possible gently climb dere leg or any offer part of dere antomy yew can reach, be gentle at furst, yew needz to lull dem into a false sense of security! Den when dey are tinking yew is duh sweetest little ole' kitty-cat in duh world DIG DAH CLAWS IN HARD AND KEEP KNEEDING FURRY HARD! Dis furm of "kittypuncture" is FURRY effective, especially if yew can manage to administer it to the more "sensitive parts" of dere antomy! Wif purractise yew can manage to make yew "kittypuncture" felt through efen duh thickest of clothing, it does take purratice doh, to enshore dat yew don't get yew claws caught and dat duh hooman can reelly feel yew kneeding. Of course, wif yew guyz still in summer mode, dere will be plenty of exposed flesh to work on. By duh time winter comez yew will haf purrfected yew technik and be furry well able to cause quite a stir through efen duh thickest of winter clothing! Make shore too dat duh hooman doesn't tink yew are ackually trying to *helP* dem, dat yew are taking a course in Accupuncture, dis defeats duh purrpose, duh hooman treatment doesn't hurt so make shore yew hurt dem, dont be gentle or timid! DISREGARD ALL DUH SHRIEKING, REMEMFUR DEY HAF A FURRY LOW THRESHOLD OF PAIN AND IT IS IN A GUD CAUSE - YEW WELL-BEING!
If yew draw dropz of blood yew will noses yew are in the top league! Concatulations!!!!!!!!
5. Duh Walk duh walk!
Dis is furry gud if dey are wurking on duh catputer but not doing yew stuff! Keep in mind NOT to use dis method if dey are busy acting as yew unpaid Sekretary!
Modus Operandi:
Keep walking on duh keyboard of duh catputer! Do a reel tango on it and don't stop efen when tings on duh monitor start popping up and all sortz of weird tings start appearing. Yew mus make as much mess of what dey are trying to work on as possible!!!! Resist strenuously all attempts to put yew down on duh floor, or nearby chair if dey are reely stoopid. Dis is eassily achieved by digging yew claws into anyfing handy, including duh hooman and hanging on, has duh advantage too of being a further distrakshun! Juss keep getting up and walking duh walk. Dis method is a gud one if yew feelz like a bit of exercise, it is furry gud fur duh balance and duh mussels, so it also helpz keepz yew in gud shape whilst annoying duh hoomans and reminding dem dat yew is duh boss and dey are breaking yew rulez! REMEFUR DOH, DON'T EFFUR USE DIS METHOD IF THEY ARE WORKING ON YEW GRAPHICS OR EMEWS, IN FACT ANYFING CONNEXED WIF YEW WORK, DIS IS NOT TO YEW ADVANTAGE AT ALL AND CAN HAF DUH REVERSE EFFECT!
6. Duh Paper Shuffle!
Dis method will only work if yew hooman is :-
(a) untidy on dere desk or surrounds (unfortunately mine isn't but dere is sometimes a way to use dis, as I will explain).
or
(b) is trying to sort out papers and haz dem neatly lined up around duh room/desk etc.
Modus Operandi:
Anyfing, efen if it is held down by a paper weight is a gud subject fur yew attenshun. Juss purrlay wif duh papers and shuffle dem around. Haf funz and be creative! It is amazing what yew can do wif paper! Try to enshore dat yew get all duh papers reelly muddled up and if dere is coffee/drinks around dem do try to get at least some of duh papers wet. Yew can use a combination of dis method and duh bonk one, or juss keep purrlaying wif duh papers until dey drop into duh wet stuff, dis usually means dat only duh edges/corners will get wet but dis is enuff to drive duh hooman crazy, espeshally if yew haf already managed to get a whole load of papers on duh floor and well mized up! HAF FUNZ WIF DIS ONE, ITZ A GUD FORM A PURRLAY AND WILL ALSO, WIF LUCK, GET DUH HOOMAN TO PURRLAY WIF YEW MORE, ONCE DEY HAF RECOFFERED FRUM ALL DUH BENDING INVOLVED PICKING UP DUH PAPERS!
7. Duh Pen Push!
Again dis method is furry similar to duh above and espeshally useful if duh hooman is neat and tidy and keepz all dere pens and pencils in a container on duh desk!
Modus Operandi:
You can makez a lot of noise wif jus one gud shove at duh aforemenshuned container! Make shore yew line it up and den gif one gud solid heavy shove, if yew also break duh container dat is a bonus! If dey haf dem scatter all offer duh desk, then be creative! See if yew can roll duh pen or pencil until it is juss balancing on duh edge of duh desk, dis will definitely get dere attenshun as dey will be fasincated by yew ability to control stuff wif yew paws! Once yew haf dere attenshun den yew can shove duh pen or pencil offer duh edge of duh desk! Dis method is espeshally gud if yew seen dem reaching for a pen to write down somefing, wait till dere hand is almost dere and den knock it down on to duh floor. I purrsonally find dat dis is excepshunally gud if dey are talking on duh phone and of course yew also den haf duh oppurtunity to use duh bonk as well.
AGAIN DIS ONE IS A FUNZ EXERCISE FUR YEW AND WILL HONE YEW SKILLS IN CONTROL AND BALANCE, SO BE CREATIVE AND PURRACTICE PURRACTICE PURRACTICE!
8. Duh High Jump!
Dis method is fur duh furry fit Tomz only!
Modus Operandi:
Furst check out duh room, survey duh entire area and meashore duh distance between duh highest spot in duh room and where duh hooman is seated. After making shore yew can achieve duh distance required to leap onto duh hooman, quietly climb up to duh highest spot and den wait till dey are not looking and LEAP WIF A SINGLE BOUND DOWN ONTO DEM! Dis will gif dem quite a fright and maybe best not to use dis method if yew suspect yew hooman's heart to haf any weakness, offer dan dere luff fur yew! IT IS IMPURRTANT TO ENSHORE YEW SAFETY IN DISH METHOD SO DO MAKE SHORE YOU CAN ACHIEVE DA LEAP BEFORE ATTEMPTING TAKE OFF!
It is a MUST doh fur effury tomz who tinks and noses he is "Super Cat".
Dese are juss a few of duh tings I do to keep my hooman in line and purrlease rememfur, hoomans are purrty dumb and require constant training to enshore dey rememfur dere purrlace in duh world - as YEW SLAVE! So keep purractizing all duh methods, efen if yew hooman is behaving well yew can occashunally try one out to test itz effectiveness and keep yewself in purractice. Always be creative, find different combinashuns of dese methods, combine dem and purrlay around wif dem until yew find duh most effective method(s) of training duh hoomans! Vary yew methods too, it is advisable not to keep yousing duh same method all duh timez, dis gifes dem a chance to work out counter-stragetic methods and dat will defeat duh whole purrpose of duh exercise!
GUD LUCK AND REMEMFUR, AT DUH FURST SIGN OF TARDINESS ON DERE PART, JUMP INTO ACTION!!! VIGILENCE AND DILIGENCE SHULD BE YEW MOTTO IF YEW WANT A WELL-TRAINED HOOMAN SLAVE WHO IS A JOY TO OWN!
A word espshally fur duh youngsters!
Purrlease remefur dat it is FURRY IMPURRTANT to start traning duh hoomans as soon as yew arrive home, in fact efen before yewz arrive, start in duh car by insisting on laying on duh back seat out of duh cat gaol (dey will sayz itz a cat carrier don't belief dem fur a moment, itz a goal), or laying on dere lapz! Dat way dey will noze yew are serious! When yew arrive home, make a bee-line fur duh refrigerator and donz stop mewing till dey feed yew! Now itz impurrtant to note here dat yew mustz LIKEZ duh fud they gife yewz, if yewz don't tink yewz like it - WALK AWAY - and refuse to eat! Duh hoomans will try anything to get yewz to eat, so remefur ONLY EATZ DUH FOOD YEWZ REELLY LIKE!!!!!!! DO NOTZ be purrsuaded into eating somfing yewz dontz like!
Anoffer ting to rememfur is dat after yewz haf established yewz authority offer duh matter of fud, duh nest ting to do is establish yewz spot! Diz meanz dat yew will go round all duh chairz, bedz, anyfing which takez yewz fancy and choose duh one which is most comfortable fur yew!!!!!!!!!!!! At dis point duh hoomans will start sayingz stuff like "No Pumkin, not on duh gud duvet, or notz on dat chair, dat pawpa's chair! Anyting which has duh word NO in it - IGNORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Letz dem nozes immediately dat yewz is duh BOSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dese are juss a few "beginners tips and tricks" to helpz yewz get started in duh right direckshun YEWZ OWN WAY!
Later I will writez a full artikle fur Youngsters on "training duh hoomans frum duh furry beginning"!
If yewz haf any purrblems purrlease feelz free to rite to me and I will helpz yewz trane doze hoomans purrfectly!
Yo Tomz!
