If yuse are like me, a free spirited independant cat, who purrfers to travel stretched out on the back seat of the car rather than in a "cat gaol" read on - yuse will find some good tipz, drawn frum my own pershennal experience!

Furst, when mofing house DO NOT RUN AWAY, I did this the furst time my human mofed house and believe me the experience was not a purrlesant one, I though, being a furry wise cat, learn by my mistakes and this time I came when called, efen though I had spotted the "cat gaol". So make shore yuse all come when called and enter the "cat gaol" with dignity!

Now yuse are in the gaol and safely in the car - start CATERWAULING, make it LUSTY, LONG and really AGONISING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't worry if duh hoomans turn up the car stereo, any lusty Tomz can out do that wif ease! Dis alerts duh hoomans to the fact that yuse are NOT happy! Also, if like me yuse are travelling with two pesky pups and a budgie (in it's own speshal gaol) wriggle yuse paw through the openings in the gaol and annoy the Pesky Pups as much as possible. Dis will cause duh d*gs to fidget and get THEM not yuse into trouble! Duh hoomans also will stop duh car in a park or somewhere safe thinking duh d*gs need to attend to nature and dis gifes yuse valuable "time out" of duh gaol wifout any real effort on yuse part!

The "coupe de tah" is of course, "dah dump", make shore before getting in yuse cat gaol that yuse DO NOT attend to the "calls of nature" save it all up till the hoomans are on a motorway and then "let fly" - duh smell will force duh hoomans to find a stopping purrlace where dey will stop and LET YUSE OUT OF THE CAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After yuse haf got free of the cage, BEHAVE YUSESELVES do NOT run off - stay wandering around inside the car and do NOT enter back into the cat gaol, stay FREE as long as possible. DO NOT LISTEN to entreaties and certainly TOTALLY IGNORE all pleas to "be a GOOD cat" "come on back into gaol" become STONE DEAF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wait, stretch the hooman's patients out as far as possible, to breaking point and then some more! Efen settle down comfortably on their laps, dis always "getz dem" they tink yuse are "so cute" but do beware duh are cunning and will quickly left yuse back into duh cat gaol if yuse sits dere fur too long, so make shore yuse only stay a short time, den start walking round duh car again!

Also it is FURRY IMPORTANT to eat and drink plenty during yuse "time out"! Yuse haf to "refuel" coz yuse will need lotsa "fuel" to purrform "dah dump" again! So keep pestering duh hoomans fur more food and drink! Stuff yuseselves silly, coz it needn't stay inside yuse stomack fur long!

If yuse eat and drink plenty each time they stop, yuse can purrform "duh dump" frequently thus ensuring many many stops along the highway and ALWAYS follow the above proceedure, nefer at any time give in to entreaties such as "we are tired come on the faster we get into the cage the faster we will reach our new home" - STICK TO YUSE GUNS coz dose hoomans will drive at THEIR pace not yuse! Admittedly using "duh dump" can stretch a six hour journey into a ten hour one BUT it is impurrtant to remeber that duh FOUR hours extra has been "time out" of duh cat gaol fur yuse it has NOT been spent acktually DRIVING!!!

Of course, do ensure that yuse do NOT get messy yuself, this can happen when purrforming "duh dump" but at the worst all yuse will haf to endure is haffing certain private parts of yuse anatomy wiped offer with one of dose "quick cleaning" thingees! Dis is furry little to bear when yuse consider the option - staying cooped up in gaol for six hours straight!

If yuse are a seasoned traveller like myself, yuse can efen manage time out of the car itself! WARNING NOTE WELL!!!!!!!!! This is NOT to be attempted by ultra nervous or flighty cats, like doze gurlz and should ONLY be attempted by cats who are mature enuff to "come when called". It is impurrtant to act like a d*g if yuse hooman lets yuse out of the car itself and hoomans should ONLY purrform dis when duh car is safely parked well away frum the road, in a park or some such area and with NO OTHER HOOMANS OR ANIMALS AROUND!

As my hooman prefers to travel at night, this was not hard to manage for quite a few of the stops! Yuse can get a smell of fresh air and really stretch yuse legs but remeber yuse MUST NOT stray away frum duh car or duh hoomans!

As I haf said duh above has been purrfected by yours truly and I shore hope it is valuable to any of yuse who haf to travel, efen if it is juss to duh v*ts!

Juss a reminder, dis kolumn is not juss about "tips and tricks" but is also here fur any of yuse who haf purrblems, doesn't matter what duh purrblem is, yuse may haf wedwinking purrblems or pesky sisfurs, pups or efen hoomans who are hard to train, juss write to me, using a non de plume if yuse wish and yuse reply will be in next month's copy of the Caterwaul. Remeber ALL CORRESHPONDENCE IS STRICKLY CONFIDENSHAL!!!!!!

HAPPY TRAVELLING TO YUSE ALL!

Buddee, Speshal Correspondant!