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Now, tomz – what youse haf all bin waitin fur. As youse noes, Queen Bitsy’s hidden kamera haz taken pikshures of Bentley Marlowe, a klubb memfur, doing tinks *she* says are bad. She says dat he iz a bad influence and haz begun purrblishing pikshures of ovfur cats she sez haf been led astray by him.
Well, tomz, I duzun't beleef it fur won minute an I noes dat efurry gud tom cin planely see dat Bentley be heppin da meowmie around da house an knot doin nuffin bad. So’z I askded Bentley too set da rekurd strate an tell hiz side of da storie - which beez da troof of kourse.
But furst, luk at dese pikshures an see fur yurseff wot a gud tom Bentley iss an how he bees heppfur around da house.
Settin Duh Rekord Strate
Ben Cleanin da Purse
“Here I iz heppin meowmie cwean de purse out.”
Ben Tryin to fix da TP
“Actully I iz tryin' to put de paper back on de roll fur meowmie in dis picfur,
I hep her in de bafroom tew.”
Ben Heppin Make duh Bed
“Here I hepped meowmie straighten de bed,
I dunno how dem piwwows git so messed up.”
Ben Heppin da Meowmie Cook
“And dis iz where I heppin wid de cookin.”
Wot do Yew Tink?
Tomz, wot do yew tink? Duz dis luk like a kriminal to yew? No! Dis hir iss a gud catizen jes heppin around da house! We must put a end to alla da slanderus akuzashunz bein’ spewed around by a surtin snoop! Us tomz must stand behind Bentley an safe his gud name! Now hir iss Bentley’s statement of da hole troof:
To de kitties to whom dis does concern:
I fink it iz about time I defen' myself. Dere are lotz ub accusationz from mwe bein' a thief to influencein' de young kitties. I hab mew know I iz a upstandin' kitty, an' I iz innocent ub dese charges. All I wuz doin' wuz helpin' my meowmie wid de ironin' & de bed makin' & cweanin' out de purse fur hur. An' I wuz helpin' wid de cooking too, dats why I wuz on de stobe. I don't want my meowmie to work too hard, her needs time to hold mwe in hur lap & pet mwe. I alwayz cwean de twash canz too. Meowmie sez I iz a good, helpful boy. Mew snoops jus' mind mew own buziness & pick on sumbuddy else, or mwe jus' might hafta git mwe a lawyer & sue mewr fuzzy buttz! If mew don't heed dis warnin' I jus' might also call in mwe Buds to hep mwe, & dey iz some bad dudes!
Bentley Marlowe
Dere yew hass it! Da troof! So Tomz, wot are we gonna dew about it? Iss we gonna let dese outrajus, slanderus liez keep on – or iss we gonna put a stop to dem rite now? Wot if *she* an dat nosey Freya sneaks sum kameras into da klubb an dey startz pickin’ on ofur tomz? Tink about it! No! We must put a stop to dese snoops fur alla ourz purtekshun! Wot iff Bentley iss jes da beginnin’ of da turrible plot? Wot if doze snoops iss rite now plottin’ how to spie on alla us memfurs? Dis iss turrible to kontemplait so’z wez must be furry strong an stik togefur.
Back to March, page 1
Sam da Man Kolumns:
February 2002: Royal Washing duh Furmily Car
March 2002: Timmerman Tomz at Werk and
Bentley Settin Duh Rekord Strate
April 2002: Orange Tomz: Simba, Booger,
KeeKee
May 2002: Sami Sam and Oscar
June 2002: The Wicked Twins
Sam da Man wuz awarded dis most purrstigious award fur
journalistik eggsulunch by duh redoubtable Queen Bitsy hersef. The Caterwaul Chronicle iz purroud tew haf had such uh dishtingished kolumnist riting fur dis mewspaper.
Sam da Man is now at the Rainbow Bridge. We all miss this inspurrayshunul tom and are grateful fur his literary legacy.
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Credits:
Backgrounds from Bitsy's Boutique.
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