Afore wee begins, I wanna say I am honnered to haf da oppurrtunaty to rite fur dis owtstanding purrblikayshun. I wills dew my bestest to uphold da hi jurnalistik standerds set by my brofur, Sam da Man, and to kerry on his werk, which iss to hep tomz be macho, butt afoid big trubbles.

Now, for dis monf's kweshtins:

Q:   What are the legal limitations on purrtecting propurrty from intruders? Meowmie has invited a lot of hoomin beans fur Easter dinner, and it's still chilly here that time of year. Dey will be piling dere coats on my bed! Could there be legal repurrcussions if I pee on the coats? How about if I do a dump?

I mean, this seriously interferes with my nap!

A:   We awl nose dat it iss a basik need fur tomz tu pee on enyfing an efurryfing. Beleaf me, I unnerstand dat mew iss onliest purrtekting mewrown propurrty. Butt peeing on mewrown meowmie's bed iss won fing, while peeing or dumping on da gesses kloze bees kwite anofur fing. Mewr iss wize to seak adviss as tu da purrsible legal consekwensiz sense dey are sirrius wons.

Iffen mew goze ahedd an takes a pee or dump on meowmie's bed, her mite git upsetted fur a while, butt sune awl wud bee furgifen an mew wud bee her gud boy agin sum day. Unfurtunately, gesses dew knot reakt da samest way. Mew cud find mewrself facing at da furry lease, restitooshun and at da werses, jale.

Da restitooshun cud be furry costlie. Hoomins sues ofur da leastest little fing an wants biig toonas jess fur gitting upsetted. Den of koarse dere iss da kost to klean up da mess on dere kloze. More toonas. By the way, are mew employed?

Now lettuce mew about jale. Watt iss da furstest advise mewr Meowmie gits whenefur her talk about mewr bafroom aktifities? Yes! Her iss alwayz tole to take mew tew da v*t immediately iffen mew shows litterbox afoidance purrblems. Sew, efun dough mew wills win in won respekt by skeering off da gesses an makin dem go home in wet kloze, mew wills relee kome out da loozer becuz meowmie wills putt mew in da jale an takes mew strate tu da v*t an he will dew awl kinds of fings jess to makes shur mewr yurinairy trakt bees werking rite.

I hopes mew will gif dese konsekwenses keerful konsiderayshun. Iffen mew finks it ofur keerfury an still wanna takes da dump, den go rite ahedd, butt I sugjest dat it wud be safur to pee on da gesses legz becuz dey kin washes dem fur free.

Q:   How can I catmunicate to myown meowmie that I find my fude bowl disgusting? It's porcelain with pink roses and much too froofroo fur a macho tom like me. (Myown aesthetic interests are greatly influenced by Bauhaus.) Besides, it's chipped on the brim.

I tried not eating from the repulsive dish, but I have to keep my tomly 21-lb weight up. Help me catvince Meowmie dat I desurf the finest -- I'm no Second-hand Rose!

A:   Mew dew knot say how old mew iss, butt iffen mew weighs 21 powndz, mew aren't no kitten. I am sirprized dat mew haffen't dun da obviuss yet an breaked da repulsiff dish! Iss it unbrakable?

I will go on da assumpshun mewr meowmie iss feeding mew in a painted cast iron dish. Awl mew hasta dew is sneek fude outta da bowl when Meowmie isn't luking. After awl, her kan't bee watchin mew efurry single sekind. Anofur fing mew cud trie iss taking a biig mouthfur of fude into her moss fafurtist chair an chomp it up an spit out tiny litter slobbery peeces. Bee relentless in dewing dis an purrty sune her wills brake down an gits mew a new dish. Iffen mew dew knot likes da new dish, it iss impurrtant to nefur, efur let her see mew eat frum it.

Hoomins kannot tallerate seeing enywon play wif dere fude, sew a gud taktik wud be to take mewr paw an flip a little fude out of da dish efurry now an den until the floor iss awl kofered wif fude an da dish almoss empty. Dis gits da messige akross purrty gud, espeshully wif da wet fude. I yuses dis won on myown meowmie kwite offun an her still hasn't figgered owt dat I am yusing a grate control tecknik. Her still finks dat her maked da misteak in choosing da dish!

Iffen deze tips donut werk fur mew, pleez rite me agin an I wills sind mew sum of my eggstra dishes.

Fank mew, deer reeders. I dew hope dis will hep mew improof mewrown lifestyle an alsew stay won step ahedd of da law.

Delli
Cattorney at Law (Retired)

Cattorney-at-Law Delli is an internationally recognized expert on feline domestic law as well as a frequent lecturer on elegant living. If you have a question you'd like Delli to answer for you, send it to jacqlee.cats@verizon.net. She regrets she cannot answer each question purrsonally.

Visit Delli at Delilah (Delli).  Klubb memfurs met Delli and her sisfurs when Nosey Parker and Mama Yak Attak visited them during their honeymoon trip on a hot air balloon.  Invited by the late Sam da Man, they enjoyed the gracious hospitality of the furmily [note: this sequence is especially witty and pretty.].   While there, visit Sam's memorial page; sign the guestbook, please.

Renowned Renovator Sam da Man wrote the Mewlitzer-winning Home Handycat kolumn fur the Caterwaul Chronicle in which he infurvued tomz about the ways they "help" around the house.