The Imperial Press Office deplores the actions of certain tabbyloids of the type known as "gutter press" in purrblishing a photograph of the Imperial Wink-Consort Scooter von Hindenburg Hemingway Brown XXII surreptitiously taken with telephoto lens-mounted cameras whilst he was at his private klubb. Such an invasion of Count Scooter's privacy and, thereby, that of all members of his klubb, is beneath contempt.
The Press Office also wishes to state emphatically that there is no truth to the unfounded charges that the Honorable Scooter is a "chronically nipzed out reprobate" who currently is in residence at the Boopsy Fiord Clinic undergoing treatment fur nipz abuse.
The Imperial Wink-Consort is in Furrida supervising his meowmie and fahfur as they work to clear away fallen trees and to repair damages from the recent hurricane season. He also has the heavy burden of purrtecting his sisfurs from the unwelcome attentions of a neighborhood tom who comes calling - literally - whenever their meowmie purractices on her violin.
The Count suffers from a rare metabolic disorder which requires him to take v*t-prescribed medication containing nipz and to maintain a program of strenuous daily hydration therapy with copious amounts of nipzbeer. Only a biased and hostile media would attack him for having the misfortune to suffer this serious disability.
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The Press Office also wishes to express displeasure at the unfounded rumors of a rift between the imperial couple. The rumors began shortly after the so-called
"polydactyl playboy" purrposed to Her Imperial Majesty at the Grand Opening of the Terrace Cafe.
Hostile memfurs of the media repurrted maliciously that the couple went their separate ways almost immediately: Scooter went to his klubb and Her Imperial Majesty returned to the party hosted by BFCC CEO Freya. The biased media failed to repurrt that it was Scooter's regular domino night at the klubb and that Her Imperial Majesty was merely returning to the party with which she had arrived.
These rumors were minor compared to the veritable feeding frenzy of media speculation following Scooter's elevation to the nobility.
The Imperial Calendar is planned months in advance and many demands are made on her Imperial Majesty to make purrsonal appearances which cannot always include the Wink-Consort. Fair-minded media reporting acknowledges this reality.
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The Imperial Press Office denies that the Honorable Scooter, Count of Gwyndd nightly becomes "so nipzed out that he believes aliens are trying to steal his brains" and that he wears a special foil-lined cap fur purrtection.
Nonsense. It doesn't happen more than twice a month.
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Copyright © 2004 by Daphne Schor. All rights reserved.
