Good day, kitties. This is Romeo coming to you from the Terrace Cafe with interviews with cats who have opinions about issues of importance. We've invited 2004's Bad to the Bone Award (BTTB) winners to help get 2005 started propurrly. This month's question seeks to learn from the baddest of the bad  MOL. What's the question du jour, Omar? Omar:  Bad to the Bone laureates, I am extremely honored to interview such bad tomz as yourselves. As you know, to be awarded Bentley's BTTB Award you really must've outdid yourownselves in ways beyond your usual bad behaviour. The question is in two parts:   First, Did your meowmie and/or dad get mad/upset about your bad behaviour that earned you the BTTB? If so, how mad -- in terms of what color did their face turn & how much steam came outta their ears? The second part is:   What one "bad thing" do you suggest all tomz resolve to do in 2005? Let's begin with Shamus Blue. (Shamus Blue and Omar) Omar:  Shamus, evfurrykitty is interested in your answer to these timely questions. Shamus Blue:  Well mew know , I finks mine own meowmie beez living in da state of denial. Her believes dat i is an "angel kitty", as mew all can tell by the looks of mine own web site. Yo, I tries furry hard indeed to ober come dis image, by being BTTB. Now, I is an artistic feline tom, so I decided to redekorate her own bed room whilest her were sleeping to surprize her. I bitted huge holes in her nice peach vinyl windoew blindz. Her were most suurrprized when her awoke to see mine fine work of art. I knows mine colors well, and her face looked mad and turned a nice fuschia, progessing to a deep magenta, howeber when it reached a vivid royal violet, I thought maybe i befuer paw 911, befur da top of her haid flew off in a zillion peecez. Boy, were her steaming mad. Yet, her still calls me her angel kitty.  ... Just shaking mine kitty haid.... On da ofurr paw, mine ofurr meowmie, da red haided one haz got mine number. I alllways waits fur da freshly washed scatter rugs to be neatly place on da floor, I makes mine way ober and coughs up da biggest, wettest longest, mess of hairball, mew has bout eber sceen. I starts at one end of da furst rug, and backs up getting da whole length of dat one, and if I fast enough at backing up, I can get three of dem ruggs befur I done. Dis really makes mine red haided meowmes face turn even brigheter firey red dan her own hair. Her scoops me up by mine furry butt, and tosses me in mine crate dat has newspapers down and sayz, mew stay dere till I sure mew is done, Mr. Sean Shamus Blue. Her has no illusshuns as to mine BTTB behaviours. Da last fingk I did dat I were quite puuroud of was jumping on da kitchen table and knocking meowmies big glass vase of fresh flowers to da floor. Dat made a nice big mess, glazz and water and flowers all ober da purlace, furry nice to swat around, I were habing da best time. Tooke her nearly 20 minutes to clean it all up. GWahhh haww hawww. Omar:  And what one "bad thing" do you suggest all tomz resolve to do in 2005? Shamus Blue:  I suggest mew try diz, it is a most wonderfurr way to aggrbate mewer meowmiez. When her goes to make Chrismousie cookies, or any cookies fur dat matter, " mew can do it any time of year". Remebering dat her works furry hard on deese cookies as dey is fur human furiendz and family. Mew simply help her. Stay inbetween her feets as her mixes all da ingreediants, and stand up and paw on her legs and beg. Now fur da best and most important part, and mew must time dis just right to work da best. Just as her turns round to get her pot holders to put dem cookies in da oben, mew fast as a flash , pat mew paws on as many cookies as mew can, leaving mew purrsonal signature. Diz not only makes her furry, furry angry, butt also guranteez mew some cookies fur mewself, cents her wont want to serve dem to da humans onced mew haz decorated dem mewownself. I hopes dis will gibe some young upstarts some gude ideas on being BTTB. Omar:  Gasp...Uhh...Thank you, Shamus. (Jordan and Omar) Omar:  Young Jordan won the BTTB when he was only one year old. Let's find out how his meowmie took the news. Jordan:  Oh, woohoo! Myown Mommy waz so many madz dat her face and neck turned red like a furry hot pepper!!! Rememfur dat my biggest, baddest ting was getting hold a her bazeer dat she wearz on da front fat and I ruinz it and make it so it pinch her when she put in on. Ebben her whole body shakez when she findz out bout dat and I cud feelz da heat and steam from cross da room budz! Omar:  And what one "bad thing" do you suggest all tomz resolve to do in 2005? Jordan:  I purrpose dat all tomz resolf to bofferz dere own sisfurs much as dey canz and to fartz and barfz as much as dey canz. Da fartz and barfz will mark all da territory dat it beez tomz territory! Have a furry badz mew year all my tomz budz! Omar:  Thanks, Jordan, you lead a dedicated life -- dedicated to badness! Omar:  There are quite a few bad boyz at the Rescue Ranch! I'm sure your answers will be most illuminating, Ferny. Tell us about your meowmie's reactions. Fernando:  When I am badd, my meowmie starts to chant "Oh No, Oh No" and she getts very pale and skary lookin. Sumtimes I beez way up high and she think I gonna fall, butt I kan fly! MOL (Omar and Fernando) Omar:  And what "bad thing" do you suggest fur 2005? Fernando:  In da New Year, I wantz to see all tomz tease and torture der sisfurs, make dem cry and run. If yous dont haff a sisfur I will lend you mine, da stinky Susie! It iz mucho funn to pick on her! Omar:  Thanks, Ferny. Now let's pose the questions to another bad boy. (Omar with Royal) Omar:  Were you able to keep the mews of the award from Massa, or did your sisfur Lucy run off and tell him? If so, what was the response? Royal  Furst ob aw I'se dew kot nose wise I'se eben wind da BTTB ward. Dere were a hurrycane dat were sposed tew comed neer tew mine haus an mine massa were kleein up sum palm frons dat were in ar yard sow dat dem wood knot blow aw ofur da naborhood an mebbe brake peeples winders. I'se hepped mine massa tew pik up dem fronds buy runnin roun da yard an makin shore da massa din mist eny ob dem frond. Da massa were gratefur fur mine hep an eben toad da mistress dta ift it knot fur mine "hep" himz wood nefur haf ben abul tew git aw dem fronds an ty dem up an puts dem wear da wind knot gonna git dem. Weeze were reel lucky cuz dat hurrycane din comed tew ar haus an dat were purrobably cuz ob da gud job I'se dun heppin mine massa. But wenn I'se tode da Tomz on da bullybored watt a gud kitty I'se bees, mine bud Ben sed dat I'se desurfed da BTTB ward! Omar:  What about your recommendation fur "bad thing" in 2005? Royal  I'se wood haf tew say dat mebbe da baddest thin dat eny Tomz kin dew in 2005 wood bees tew steel an hyde eny toyz dat da stinky sisfurs thins bees deres. I'se haf a dum stinky sisfur an I'se kin tells mew dat it furry mush funz tew wash herz git aw bent wenn won ob herz toyz comes up missin. Omar:  Fangu, Royal. You have a fascinating interpretation of "helping" -- one shared by many tomz. (E.T. and Omar) Omar:  Surely your purrents are aware that you are a true tom, and true tomz are wild and wacky. Do they know about the award? E.T.:  I got da BTTB award fur aggravating my sisfur. I likes to lay by da doorway so she can't walk past. An wiff my belly, I can occupy a whole lotta space. Daddy just laffed an said boys will be boys. He's on my side. Meowmie were shocked dat I were being mean to my *gag* sweet liddle sisfur. Her words, not mine. Butt, my meowmie is a softy an can't stay mad at me. I show her my purrdy belly and she furgets all about my bad ways. Omar:  And for "bad thing"? E.T.:  Steal more fud! Omar, I know you just grabbed your meowmie's pork chop and boy, do I envy you. Dat's gonna be my goal fur next year. It's clear that these tomz deserved their BTTB! But wait! There's another page of winners! Click the donut for more ... |Caterwaul Chronicle Front page| |Terrace Cafe| |Paddy's Pub| |Klubb Archives| Credits: Graphics by Auntie Doris, Auntie Barb, 2 Auntie Nancys, and Auntie Daphne. Dialogue by Auntie Diane, Auntie Barb, Auntie Wes, Auntie Susan, Auntie Sheila, 3 Auntie Nancys, and Auntie Daphne. Krispy Kreme is the official doughnut of tomzrule®. Visit online.