Evfurrytom wants to know what you've been doing and whether they'll see you anytime soon.

Ize been enjoying my liffes. Juss sleeping in sunny winders, getting unfur peepulz feet, overturning my water bowl, waking evfurrywun in duh middle of duh nite. Duh usual. I also did duh grossest ting in my hole liffe, but we beffur knot tawk abowt dat now. Duh reeders might get nausealatified and stop reeding.

As fur knot seeing me, well dat beez duh tomz own fawt! I goez to Paddy's Luau Room evfurry Saturday nite tu enjoy duh Hula Honeys --HUBBA HUBBA HUBBA -- purrformance! Don't blame me dat duh tomz beez tew zonked and lyebeedoh affected tu see anyfing else.

And yewr hoomin beans? Auntie Em still recovering from her stroke? Uncle Will still travelling all the time?

I woodn't haf had tu retire if Pawpa wuzzn't such a wuss. Yew see, he duz classuhfyd werk and duh sekuritee peeps haf duh rite tu examine his catputer wifowt warning. He beez such a wuzz -- afrayed dat duh kernalz and jinrullz wood laff at hymn fur haffing duh cat pages and emews -- and he catplained dey mite tink that he thowt he wuz a cat. Imagine! Dat wuz juss too arrogant a thowt, so I fired him as my sekretary 'n purrsonal slave.

Ladely, I haf been training Mary Ellen, who liffs heer tu cook and keep an eye on Auntie Em. I giffs her my "Bambi Eyes" and mews gently, and she obeyz my evfurry command.

So Uncle Will still beez evesdropping on evfurrywun on earff?

I kaint tawk abowt Pawpa's evesdropping know moar dan yew kan tawk abowt yewown meowmie's werk with recon satellites spying on evfurrywun on earff.

Witch tings beez tew bad, reelee. If tomz onlee new duh reel reezun alienz allathyme trion tu steel our branez!

Still, it wood  improof duh peeps.

Retirement has a lot of advantages, we imagine. Fur instance, not having to meet Caterwaul Chronicle deadlines gives you a lot more time to be with your wedwink.

Mama Yak Attak, my liddle peach blossom, and I enjoy biking with our furriends and dewing awl kinds of wild and krazy tings.

'Chorus, we like duh simple liff, tu. Offun we juss go fur walks. We strowl from wun pub tu duh nesst. Diz beez particle of duh reserch Ize dewing fur duh buch I beez wrighting, Ultimate Guide to Nipz Pubs.

I belieffs dat lodds and lodds of sampling beez essenshul, and Ize juss glad dat myown luff iz willin tu hepp me. Duh buch will beez a sir viss fur awl Catdom.

Good thing you walk from pub to pub. Seems like evfurry time one on us revs an engine, COP Polly is right there to issue a ticket.

We've heard, and we believe it, that Queen Bitsy requires Polly to issue 300 samoleons worth of tickets each month to finance Bitsy's food consumption.

Well, dis iz my comment own dat subject:

-mewhaha- -mewhaha-  Bet a lot of tomz are nodding their heads in agreement!

Tell us what you plan to do this summer.

I plan tu lye neer duh pool and watch duh bikini babez while drinking grate quantiteez of iced nipz.

BTW:  I tink duh Grosser Ree Stower beez a grate idear. Ize got myownseff wun of dem spittoons. I fillz it wif ice and nipz and keep it by duh pool. Duh gurlz tink it beez fur nipzterbaccy spit sew dey avoids it MOL MOL!

Okay. We can't wait any longer. What was the "grossest ting in my hole liffe" that you mentioned earlier?

Well....

One night Pawpa took Auntie Em tu dinner. (Heez hoam abowt three daze a weak, an it wuz Mary Ellen's nite off.) Wenn dey retourniquet, dey found mousie partz awl ovfur Pawpa's bed. A paw here, a paw dere, and lodds of bludd juss evfurrywhere.

Now, dis beez duh bess part: dey fount dat I had bitted duh mousie intoo and den swalleret it and den ... I frowed up! Yep! I dood dat rite on duh mittle part of duh bed. Pawpa slept in duh spair rume dat nite and bowt a knew mattressy, he wuz dat repulsified!

What a gross and disgusting thing! We are so envious of your despicable behavior! Bet our reeders can hardly wait to find a mouse so they can do this to their furmily's bed.

It's been great infurvuing you, NP. Do you have any special message to share?

Juss keep bean gross and disgusting, tomz, and rememfur dat know madder watt yew dew, yewrown meowmie will alwaze luff yew and smurgle wif yew -- long as yew don't have mouse on yewr breff!

See ya at Paddy's! Save duh last keg fur me!