Each of yew haz bin involved in a politikul skandul dat shocked duh infurnet. Dew yew tink duh Mewdia haz introoded intew yewr private parts, er..., private liffes, where dey had know rite?

Mews Twins, mew cannut effun imaginate how it wuz. Myown sisfurs cudn't effun goze shopping wiffout doze potpurrozzi fellers follerin' dem.

Da lass straws wuz wen dey tawk on da telebishun abowts da time I falled off da baffrume shelf, rite into da toylet! As if it not bads enuff myown meowmie laff at me; but, da hole countree beed laff. Sumhows, dey effun show a pichure a me, all wet an' climing outta da bowl! Den dey haff da nerf to says dat I wuz all nipzed out. Da trufe a da matfur beez dat I jess falled to sleep on da top shelf an' roll off. Da toylet jess happen to beez dere!

If only yew knew. The mewdia is circling outside myown house even as I type this with all my extra toes. And when they aren't trying to get secret info about me, they are nosing around in the garbage.

One morning, a reporter was lurking in the winder and happened to see myown stinky sisfur Buffy as she was taking a baff. Wowza! Was she upset! She ran through the house, screaming and hid under the bed and wouldn't come out for a long time. Too bad! (Heh!)

The press has also decided that they can discuss myown private surgicalness procedures that I had to undergo on my bits and pieces. I don't think that's something they should be able to talk about on national telebision.

Keek, yewr purrsidenshul catpaign was derailed when pikfurs of yew in a tub wif ovfur kitties wuz purrblished. Yet, as a Catifornia cat, surely itz purrfektly catural to share a hot tub wif furriends. What wuz awl duh fuss abowt?

Mews Twins, dat how da Catifornia potpurrozi beez. Dey sees a innfurcent pichure an' makes a bigg deel abowt it. I fink it mite beez da way I wuz dress dat shock da publick. Da pichure not da worse part. Affur dey acuse me of beez a nipzaholic, dey fink dey has to proof it; soze, dey alla time tries to gets "samples" to test. One times, I wuz whiz in da lidder bocks, an' wen I luk down, dere dis liddle vial catches myown peepees. Anoffur times, I wuz jess maked a bigg saturfsfying poop; an', a hand come around da korner an grab it! It purdy sad wen a tom cannut duz his buzness wiffout someone steels it!

Duh attachalated copy of myown birf certiffakate reveals duh troof of my destiny as a polydactyl paragon of pulchritudinous power sense duh furst momentousness of my birf. Anyone can see dat Ize destinationed fur much grater tinks dan being a mere White House Cat!

I nebber thought of this until you just now mentioned it. Hmmm, they all look a little guilty. I probably would believe it except for the fact that I'm the one that eats their turkeymeat. MOL. If I find out they're involved, though, I will make their lives a complete misery ... Well, I already do that ... But maybe I could get my meowmie to adoptimate another brofur who is grosser and then we could team up and be really bad.

Mews Twins, myown sisfurs noze dat NUFFIN ken distrack me frum my turkeymeat. Asides, da onliest one dat not askaired a me beez da Littlefoot; an', she duzn't effun likes turkeymeat. On da offur paw, mebbe Littlefoot stills mad at me fur tries to makes her feeds me wen I wuz a liddle kitten. I wuz fink dat all gurl cats wuz myown meowmie.

One thing of great impurrtance is that I know I have my budz around me to help me through tough times. They have all been helpful with lots of medicinal applications of Nipz to alleviate my pain. Of course, lots of Nipz has flowed at Paddy's lately so I guess a lot of alleviating is getting done.

The udder thing I learned is, since I am already an established gross and disgusting Tom, there is nothing worse in the world than what I've already done. I mean, not burying yourown poop is much worse than outing a secret undercover member of Da Agency. At least, that's what my meowmie says as she tries to fumigate the house after I drop a load. Why, just this morning I did a big stinky one, which my meowmie flushed because it was so bad. Right after she did that and got the bocks all nice and clean, I went in and did another one! I am the master of disaster!

MOL Scooter, nice werk!

Mews Twins, alla wat Scooter say beez tru; butt, da most impurrtand fing I learn is dat nexx times I run fur offise, I gonna starts at a lower leffel. Mew seez, here in Catifornia, da hoomins an' kitties is all use to a Governator dat make skandals an' alsos make bigg fule a hisownself. I figgurs dat effun iffen I falls in da toylet agin, I mite beez able to wins, here in myown home state; soze, I gonna runs fur Guffernor a Catifornia! I shure cant's do nuffin dummer den "Ahnold"!

Meanwhile, at Paddy's ...

I'll file lawsoots aginst duh Mewdia and will injunkshun dem, tu. I will lawsoot dem until dey goes bald and bankrupt! Dey gonna beez sari dat dey messed wif Keek and Scooter.

Taliesin:  Datz why duh klubb keepz yew on retanur sew dat yew can repurrsent memfurs whenevfur and wherevfur dey needs hepp wifowt eeny cost tew dereseffs.

Moke:  Onlie tew gladly to hepp. Say, Dwnn, dew yew need my hepp?

Dwnn:  Yewr hepp?

Moke:  Tew sample the nipz from the keg yew juss tapped. Dere beez catsumoor purrtektshun laws abowt bevvies, yew noe!