Im shur dat mewall hass herd abowt da alienz infazhun, butt I feer dat dese pore kitties donut haf dere foil-lined purrtekshun kaps, leasewize dey muss knot bee waring dem. Watt dew mews fink?

Now, for dis monf's kweshtins:

Q:   My three brofurs practice burping and farting all over the house. I need a super-strength gas mask!! When Meomie asks them to "cut it out" dey laff and cut anuffur fart. Dey say dey are purracticing fur duh cattest at Paddy's Pub.

Duz Paddy's Pub *reely* haf such cattests EVFURRY nite?

Also, watt can Meowmie and I do to make duh house smell less pee-yoo?

A:   I takes it dat mew iss a gurl kitty oar elses mew wood knot bee warin da gases mask an mew wood nose bowt dat wild an krazee plase, Paddy's Pub. Alla da tomz gose dere efurry chanses dey gits an dat is wear dey lurns alla da disgustin tom fingz dey dew.

Sense gurlz iss knot allowed in dere, (fank gudniss!) wee hasta lurn tu liff wif da gross fings dat brofurs dew. I lurned lotsa surfifval teckniks frum lifin wif my brofur, but da gases mask bees da best purrtekshun I efur cud find.

Won fing mew cud dew iss when mew smells da farts, go runnin into da bafrume an pushes da purrtysmell spray kan onto da flore sew mewrown Meowmie wills notiss dat mew needs sum releef frum da turrible oders. Ofur dan dat, jess makes shur dat mew stays as fur aweigh frum mewrown brofurs as mew kin git. Alsew, trys knot tu let dem nose how meny dere farts offendz mew acuz dey wills fink it iss funnie iff mew gits awl upsettid.

Dat iss abowt da best adfise I kin giff acuz doze tomz wills nefer, efur stop purrktising dere farts. Tomz iss furry purroud of dem an yes, dey dew haff farting cattests at Paddy's Pub, beleaf it oar knot. Dey efun laff an laff an talk bowt how dat purrtikyular won wood gross owt dereown sisfurs! Gud Luk!

Q:   What is duh law about "Breach of Purrmise"? Dere's a gurl threatning to soo me!

Itz lyke dis. Mew Yeerz Ebe I took Tabby Gurl (not her name) to a pardy and gave her an ID bracelet wif a liddle diamond in it. I took Tuxie Gurl (not her name) to a dance on Valentine's Day and gave her an ID bracelet wif a liddle diamond in it. When Tabby Gurl found owt, she emewed to say sheez sooing me fur Breach of Purrmise becuz givving jewelry wif a diamond in it is konsidert a wedwink purrposal.

I nevfur heerd of such a fing! I ain't askt know gurl to be anykind of wink! I planz to remain a catchelor until Ize at leest 18 yeerz old. I need to know duh grounz fur defense against such frivulated charjez!

Purrleeze answer soon. I haf invited Persian Gurl (not her name) to go to duh Easfur Purrade and haf bowt an ID bracelet wif a liddle diamond in it.

A:   Dew knot werry too meny abowt Tabby Gurl bringin da lawsoot aginst mew. I beleaf da courts wills bee in mewr fafur sense efurryone nose dat diamonds iss da gurlz' bestest furriend. Alsew, dis iss a furry kommon fing dese dayz an da jujes iss gettin tired uv awl da catplaning goin on. As long as mew nefur askt Tabby Gurl or Tuxie Gurl (how many ofurs?) tu bee mewrown wink, den dey kannot say in da court uv law dat mew iss breachin da purrmise.

Mew hasta akshually mew dese werds: "Wills mew bees my wink?" As long as mew donut say doze werds, mew iss safe legallie mewing, efun dough mew iss kreatin termoyl in mewrown life.

Wattefur mew dew, dew knot giff no gurl da diamond ring! Diss wills infite biig trubblez an da courts wills knot bee sew fafurabull in dat kase. Jess stik wif da bracelets an efurryone wills fink doze gurlz shude bee happee wif mewr gift an knot tries an gits mew in trubblez.

Mite I jess menshun hear dat I jess happins tu bees free fur da 4th ob Julie sellabrashunz an I luffs diamonds efursewmeny.

Fank mew deer reeders. Pleez rememfur dat I luffs tu giff advise, sew iff mew haz da kweshtin, pleez rite an I wills dew my bestes tu help.

Delli
Cattorney at Law (Retired)

Cattorney-at-Law Delli is an internationally recognized expert on feline domestic law as well as a frequent lecturer on elegant living. If you have a question you'd like Delli to answer for you, send it to jacqlee.cats@verizon.net. She regrets she cannot answer each question purrsonally.

Visit Delli at Delilah (Delli).  Klubb memfurs met Delli and her sisfurs when tomzrule® founder Nosey Parker and Mama Yak Attak visited them and their brofur Sam da Man during their honeymoon trip on a hot air balloon.

Duh redoubtable Queen Bitsy hersef awarded Delli dis most purrstigious award fur journalistik eggsulunch. The Caterwaul Chronicle iz purroud tew haf such uh dishtingished kolumnist riting fur dis mewspaper.