Billy, alldough yew iz juss a young tom, yew haf had a lodd of trauma in yewr liffe. I am tinking abowt how yew were named "Lily" -- wood yew tell us dat story, purrleeze? If itz knot too upsetting, dat iz.

I wuz jus dis liddle happy kitten at my Pap's house, and one day dese tree women came and took me and my real sisfur away. papa wasn't der, but he sed dese women cud haf us.

So dis woman tuk me to her house, and der wuz dis big Tom who luk jus like me. I hissed at him, and he growled real loud at me, I wuzn't efun scared, but I wuz so liddle Mumfur put me in a room by myself. But she gafe me fud, gud fud, and plenty uf water, and a box uf sumfin, I used it to potty in. I had a nice warm bed and plenty uf toys.

So I kep mysef busy. She sure wuz happy i used da box fur my duties. She wuz tol I wuz a liddle gurl, dats why she put me in a rum by mysef, and named me Lilly (hiss), I iz NOT a Lilly, I iz a Tomz, and Tomz rule!

My Brufur taut me dat!

Yewr brofur, Bandit, is won of duh grossest, most disgusting tomz on duh planet. Were yew awestruck when yew furst met him? Duz he boss yew arown?

Yes I wuz, but I didn't let him nose dat! MOL -- am I beginnin to talk lik him? It sure sounds lik it.

When she wuz home, mumfur let me out to roam da territory, and check out how me and my brufur wud get along. I sur showed him a ting or two. Yea he be tryin to boss me me aroun, an always tryin to clean me up. like, I don't know how! I jus don wont too. I tink he tinks he is my Papa, but he ain't.

How are yew lerning to beez a trew tom? Duz Bandit demunstrate bad behaffur fur yew to copy? What is duh moss disgusting ting he has showed yew how to dew? Duz he take yew to Paddy's Pub fur duh nipzdrinking and bragging?

He says I is too young to go to Paddy's right now, an if I listen to him, and behaf, he might talk to Mumfur about me goin wif him. He taught me how to get up in Mumfurs face and be all sweet and purrin, and den fart. He sed dat is how he got da nickname "poopoo." OOPS!, I wuzn't pupposed to say dat, I be in trubles now! TeHeHe!

He did show me how he messes up our lidder box aftur Mumfur cleans it up. I jus aint big enuff to do it like he duz, but it won't be long. I eats effurting I seez.

Bandit is teachin me how to fitz d*gs or uffr Tomz dat beez mean. Or wif wattevfur messes wif me -- like duh sucky monster dat goes rown duh karpet sumtimez.

Yew must be a fast lerner; yewr brofur alreddy calls you "Bad Boy Billy" and sez yew are "a full blown terror." What wuz duh furst despikabull ting yew did wifowt Bandit's hepp? Duz yew evfur play trix on Bandit or try to git him intoo trubble?

I peed on Mumfurs bed cuffers, right after she just washed dem, it wuz an acident, but she didn't nose dat. Bandit tried to cuffer it up, but mumfur fount it. She sed, "I know you didn't mean to Sweetheart," and I thought, hmmm!, I can use this to my advantage. Bandit tried to cuffer it up, but Mumfur knew it wuz der. I play trix on Bandit effury chance I get, he is a gud Tomz, but he is a sweet luffin Brufur, and I is a mean Liddle Bad Boy Billy, gotta keep up my reputation. Bandit sez he tryin to teach me da right and wrong way to do fings, but I got my own Iders.

I already got his place beside Mumfur at bedtime.I hasn't figured out how to git him in trouble yet. Hmmm!, I will haf to tink about dat. He is still Mumfurs liddle boy, but not fur long.

Yewr meowmie alsew recognizes yewr great talent and sez you are "Meaner than Heck" -- whoevfur Heck iz. Dew yew feel a speshull obligation to be gross and disgusting arown her sew dat she realizes yew is *KNOT* a (shudder) gurl? Duz yew snuggle wif her too, or juss play trix on her?

I duzn't nose who Heck is effur. I luffs to snuggle wif Mumfur, hur neck is so warm. I snuggle up to hur and even suckle like I is still a baby, but I is a baby onliest to my Mumfur, cuz I is a Tomzrule Kitty. So I isn't a "Baby".

Mumfur has been haffin a hard time catchin me doin bad, when she duz, she don't haf da camera, and when she gets it, I be gones. Here beez a pikfur she took when Bandit wuz teaching me how to dump mumfur's purse on da floor, she caught me and grabbed it before I got it off da bed.

Bandit beez gonna wedwink Ms Pinkie Gill in August. Dew yew tink haffing a wink spoilz a tomz's macho image, or duz it freez him to beez wilder? Pinkie's brofur, Buddee Gill, is also a furry wild tom who purroudly misbehaffs. Haf yew lerned any Awful Aussie Waze from him?

I hasn't met Pinkie, or Buddee, or all da uffer feathred furriends, and doggies, dat are comin to da wedwinkin, but dey will remefur me, cuz I will make sure dey remefur me!!

MOL - And, by the way, are yew lukking fur a winkwink yewrseff?

Weeellll! not really, but der wuz dis liddle gurl at da Mew Years evez Pardy, I dun fugot hur name, duz dat make me a dispiciable tom? It shud!

Dew yew haf any Mew Yeerz resolutions fur naughty tings yew plan to dew in 2003? Do yew tink itz impurrtant to set goals and make long-term plans fur tomz wickedness?

Yeah, I'm gunna make Mumfur pay fur not lettin me go outside. Bubba sez, I will learn better, but I will haf to do so on my own. He sed, "I already told yuse whut happened to me, Now it is up to yuse, Big Bad Billy."

Befour yew gits two karried away, I juss wants two warn yew dat dere beez mini danjerz owtside -- carz, crewel hoomins, rabiez, d*g packs, and ovfur tings. Duh oldest, wisest tomz konfine dere despikability tew duh indoorz.

What advice do yew haf fur ovfur young tomz trying to grow up to beez gross and disgusting trew tomz?

Do effurryting yuse big brufur sez not to do! Cuz he can't be as tuff as yuse, can He?

Hmmm? Yuse didn't ask dat quesshun NP?

Tank yew fur agreeing to beez infurvued, Billy. Yew lukkz sew innoscent, but yew beez as bad as bad kan beez. I nose dat ovfur young tomz will be happy to lern from yewr bad eggsample.